Sometimes I’m there, but I’m not there
Quite often I find myself in social situations where I either
- Don’t really feel like being social
- Am just really bad at being social
I definitely have some social anxiety.
[I think my family would be surprised to hear that because they see me as the social one]
It’s not social anxiety in the sense that I’m afraid of the social situation or what other people will think of me. Instead, it’s a more internalized version where I have an image of who I am, how I react to different conversations, etc and when I’m not that person I get anxiety from it. Is this how most people experience social anxiety though?
Sometimes I’m there and I’m just quiet.
But it’s okay….
I like to listen. I really do.
Someone asks “Eric, you’ve been awfully quiet tonight, is everything alright?”.
**Yes yes, everything is alright. I’m just being weird right now. Nothing in particular is stressing me out, but my brain is telling me to zone out. Half the conversations are going in one ear and out the other. The other half feel like they’re not relevant to my life so I wasn’t really listening. You’ll get used to this happening to me 1/10 times we’re together. I snap out of it at some point, usually when we change environments, do something active, or play a game. But seriously, I’m good – just observing and I’m content with not contributing right now**
Other times I feel like I’ve lost all my memories and my wit. I’m not able to critically think, articulate my POV, or contribute to any of the reminiscing.
It’s like my mind is grey and the only thing I’m thinking about is thinking about trying to think of something to do or say in the conversation. Did you follow that?
Same things happen as above. I just don’t say much.
This type of moment gives me more anxiety of course. I feel not relevant, I feel like I’m dumb, I feel like I’m an imposter in the rest of my life, I feel left out……….and I feel like I want to go home!
So I usually turn to what I know best:
Irish goodbyes…aka I’m just being so awkward right now that I feel uncomfortable and I’d be even more awkward saying goodbye.
Of course these are all fleeting feelings. I snap back out of them at some point. I also seem to rarely experience this in a 1 on 1 situation, but more just with groups.
Anyways, I like being in places for the sake of being somewhere and doing something, rather than not doing anything at all…even if I am experiencing social anxiety.
I could spend more time here dissecting why this happens, what’s clouding my mind, what are the specific triggers, etc. But for now I’ll just sit with it and let the world know sometimes you’ll notice me being quiet. It doesn’t mean I’m not interested or that I’m being shy, I’m just having an introverted moment, and that’s OK.
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