FOBO and being a Fuck Yeah Friend (FYF)

Posted On May 15, 2020

We all know and are familiar with FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. However, the real culprit of our generation is not FOMO, but FOBO: Fear of Better Options; a term originally coined by a Harvard student back in 2004.

FOBO is the reason so many people struggle to pursue relationships, commit to jobs, decide on where to travel or even pick a restaurant to eat at. FOBO can be paralyzing and lead to indecision – I know from experience!

FOBO is truly a result of being option rich. We feel this way when we know there are so many choices for us. What should be a positive thing turns into something negative.

Another framework that has been used is “Satisfier vs Maximizer“. The satisfier is okay with “good enough” or one of the first things that fits your decision making criteria. Whereas, the maximizer is always looking for the “best” option and often tons spends time evaluating. Research shows that maximizers generally make more money, but are less satisfied with their jobs and are more likely to have clinical depression.

I am definitely a maximizer…but am moving towards more of a satisfier mindset.

Last year I had time on my hands to take a trip. I wanted to do a service trip internationally and I spent WEEKS trying to find the perfect trip. I had a few good options but ended up waiting too long to move on them and the timelines became too tight. The whole process was thoroughly stressing me out. Finally I just decided to say screw it and booked a trip to Australia for 6 weeks with no plans. It made me really nervous that I didn’t have a plan, but I’ve wanted to go to Australia forever and it ended up being one of the most impactful trips of my life. I learned by just leaning in and DOING that you’ll figure out and self adjust along the way. My time will come to do a service trip in the future and I’ll go for it without thinking too much.

I could come up with way too many examples of the above in my life ^^ smh.

FOBO is also especially apparent with lack of commitment to social options. We get ourselves into the cycle of not wanting to plan for future events out of a fear that something better will come up:

This can be a self-centered way of thinking – our FOBO and indecisiveness often has an impact on other people just as much as ourselves. And more often than not FOBO actually leads to missing out – missing out on what could be if you committed to things in advance. Too often we have such great “ideas” for trips or adventures to take with friends, only to never follow through because of lack of commitment or inability to choose the details of that potential adventure.

Instead we can choose to be a “Fuck Yeah Friend”. When something seems like a good idea, we lean into, prioritize it, see where it goes. When you get a good thing rolling, it can build like a snowball. Yes, there may be other things that come up, but you may also BE the other thing that comes up because you are the “Fuck Yeah Friend.”

We are literally missing out on an infinite amount of things at any given moment. When you are on a vacation are you thinking about what you’re missing out on home? Maybe, probably not. When you’re at home deciding between multiple social options are you thinking about that epic sunrise volcano hike you could be going on in Bali? Almost certainly not. But if you’re not letting your mind get consumed with all the other infinite possibilities outside of your current space, then why let it even get consumed with the small subset of options that are right in front of you?

I’ve found that by leaning in to the things I love and committing early I end up drawing the best energy in and creating amazing experiences.

2020 has been my best year yet (yes – even with the quarantine), because I have lived with that FYF mentality. My relationships are stronger than ever and I’ve found myself in the middle of the most unique experiences. Example: my friend Evan posted on instagram on a Tuesday asking if anyone wanting to go Skydiving into a music festival on a Saturday. I’ve never been skydiving and I wanted my first experience to be as spectacular as possible – I wasn’t sure this was it but I said “Fuck Yeah” anyways and had an amazing time.

I have taken things a step further and now find ways to create opportunities for others to be the FYF. To me, this is the ultimate back and forth and I’m feeling incredibly grateful for having so many FYFs in my life right now; those are the people I’ll always gravitate towards.

One final thought – If you’re going to be an FYF, you MUST follow-through as well. No one likes a flake. Of course, by committing more in advance you’ll have times where you just don’t feel up to it on the day of or something spectacular comes along. That’s an opportunity to just be honest with the other person. If the new opportunity that came up is THAT GOOD then you won’t feel bad at all telling your friend you can’t make something, because they’re your friend – they want you to be happy! And I’d much rather someone tell me straight up that they need to take a night / day to themselves than just not respond at all because they’re too nervous. We’re all human. As long as you don’t do that all the time – then I’ll just stop inviting you to things and let you come to me instead.