2019 Reflections: The better outweighed the bad

As I reflected on 2019, I first thought of all the downs I experienced. Last year brought me more instability, anxiety, depression, and loneliness than any year before.

Among the negative feelings I experienced – I was so stressed at work I didn’t take time to celebrate wins. I sat in meetings feeling frustrated but unable to communicate properly causing literal shortness of breath. I helped my friend with his startup and felt useless a lot of the time, like I couldn’t hold a conversation – such an odd and new feeling. I completely bombed a really promising Product Manager interview because my anxiety had gotten the better of me and I just really wasn’t sure I cared enough about having a job at all – it definitely showed.

I drove around the city multiple times crying in my car frustrated with all the uncertainties and contradictions in life. I went to multiple social situations where I experienced so much anxiety that I was just a mute at the table (https://unexpectedembraced.com/sometimes-im-there-but-im-not-there/). I had full days where I couldn’t hold a conversation or look people in the eye. I had a full out panic attack while texting a girl I liked (for no good reason) and was literally on the floor not able to breathe – I almost took off work that day.

I often lacked the emotional strength to plan anything or make any decisions – which led to 3 separate nights of sleeping in my car because I didn’t man my living situation in advance and was too anxious to ask anyone to crash last minute. I questioned why I even care about making money, exercising, and doing basically anything that I do. I spent so many hours aimlessly walking through grocery stores with headphones in than is remotely healthy just to feel safe being around people but not actually having to interact. I literally went to 4 grocery stores in one day at one point…I know it’s a super weird habit.

I went to the gym or exercised multiple times a day to try to work out my depression. Then I got self-conscious about how I look after investing so much time into exercise that I would self-sabotage by bingeing on junk food so I had a better excuse to feel self-conscious. One morning (MORNING!) I had full bay cities huge sandwich, a massive bag of potato chips, an acai bowl, 2 bags of jerky, and 11 raw cookie dough balls – I restrained myself and didn’t eat the final cookie.

I recklessly spent money and food and experiences just to get those fleeting moments of happiness. I ignored calls and messages from my family (especially from my mom – sorry mom) because I just couldn’t handle communicating, was too stressed, or was embarrassed about feeling like I had no good life updates.

I was even so depressed one day I stood still on a moving walkway!!! That’s a big deal if you know me.

…

However, in the midst of all those feelings I also created so many amazing experiences and connected with 100s of beautiful souls (many of whom also shared their tribulations with me).

My antidote to despair has always been action, and for that I am so proud and grateful. Writing down the best things in my life from 2019 gave me more euphoria than a raver on MDMA. I was literally dancing on a plane after I did this. 

In 2019 I officiated my brothers wedding, stood by one of my best friends as he got married, visited 9 national parks (including an 8-day bonding trip with my brother-in-law in Utah, an island park visit with my mom, and climbing half dome in Yosemite), jumped on a trampoline on top of a mountain, took a spontaneous trip to Japan, another to Seattle, made a bonfire at a blueberry farm in NY, learned how to set up a business, spent 3 months in Boston working on a startup with a close friend, helped grow a thriving community in Good Work House, joined a community building book club, went to more than 20 cool new events (most by myself), hosted multiple events to help people connect with each other, built a massive photo wall to support fundraising efforts for children going to school in Haiti, helped 2 friends get new jobs, danced without care often (including at Coachella for the first time and discovering Daybreaker), learned new data analytics and coding tools, taught others how to use those tools, did over 100 hours of yoga, learned how to do a muscle up, crushed a half marathon, joined a tennis league, joined a softball league, played regular volleyball, started doing breathwork, started a blog, did whole30, jumped in the ocean over and over, listened to over 100 hours of podcasts, built a blanket fort, and took a 6 week trip to Australia to end it all off where I went to a crazy folk festival, bonded with travelers from all over the world, hiked solo for 7 days, partied with friends and friends of friends, and watched the Australian Open 🎾.

I also connected and received so much support from a ridiculous amount of people. For context, I added 250 new Instagram followers – all of which I met in person. 12 different people put me up for at least a night when I needed a place to crash in my own city. So many offered me help in all sorts of different ways. And a few special people have been there when I’ve needed them most to talk out my problems when I was an emotional wreck. Last week I sent ~150 gratitude notes to people in my life. Thank you all!

In the end, I’ve learned that being fully present leads to the best experiences, it’s nearly impossible to work through your demons all by yourself, nature is such a healer, we must always seek new perspectives / challenges to grow, and my authentic self is my best self.

If you didn’t hear from me for awhile or I’ve felt distant at any point just know I’ve been going through some mental issues (haven’t we all) or was busy doing all the things. I still love you.

So pumped for 2020 and beyond.